In the Woods (With You)

On the good days, our love was like

Wishing we were trees so I could

Tangle my roots around you

And keep our bodies pressed

Tightly together, always

But our embraces always ended too soon,

Because you had some place to be

And I withered into small weeds

When I was away from you

Real trees never have any place to be

And though I was cocooned tightly in you,

I couldn’t help but grow

And as I stretched my branches high,

Dangling bright green leaves like holiday ornaments,

I found myself gradually in shadow as

Your tree loomed to block out the sun

While I had surrounded myself in your branches,

You had grown out and around me and upwards

And once again, I became a small weed,

Hidden away at the base of a large, gnarled tree

And then one day I realized that I wasn’t

A tree or a weed

I was the tree and the weed, and the grass, and the sky

And the bugs and the birds and the bumblebees

I had been my own human being, my own ecosystem

Until I’d let you in too far,

To set down roots of your own

And my whole world had been reduced

To two trees, tangled together

The Brown Boy

My son,

Sit close and listen well

If you don’t believe what I say, that’s just fine

‘Cause I’ll repeat myself until you do.

My son,

I could paint you the blackest shade of ebony in the world,

But those mean-spirited boys will still tease you

You could have the heart of a lion and a mind quick as a fox, but it wouldn’t make a difference, my son.

Because those boys don’t know a thing about my brave, beautiful boy

And the sharp-bleeding words they throw at you have so much to do with them and so little to do with you

My son,

I love you as the sun circles the sky and as the clouds fly by, like cherries through a melted sundae

And the words that hurt you only do so because they have already cut through my body, forever protecting you from the world: a shield that breathes love

Yet my belly is full of fire for the cackle-troublemaking boys that follow you to school and my eyes blaze strong enough to light your way, as a lighthouse shines hope through the fog,

My son.

Do not trust the words of those who mean you harm.

Trust your mother, who loves you.

Trust yourself, and your heart as you trust mine.

Have compassion even for the crows, and allow love to guide your actions, as they guide mine with you.

My son.

Follow your lion-heart and your fox-clever thoughts and pay the trickster-clowns no mind

Because one day, my beautiful brown boy, you will grow into a strong man and your wisdom will place the world before you

And, my son, not a thing can hold you back from that.

My son,

I could paint you the blackest shade of ebony in the world…

Unconditional Forgiveness

I can't forgive you for when you let him hit me,

And told me that I was asking for it

I can’t forgive you for when you put yourself first again

And again and again when you were busy or tired

Or just not ready for my problems

I can’t forgive you for when you locked me inside my own head,

Turning the key with your parental authority

And my obedience

I can’t forgive you for your judgmental personality,

Though I pity you for it, since you’ve blinded yourself through it

I can’t forgive you for your cruelty,

Telling me why I wasn’t good enough for you,

Why I wasn’t a real person,

How I needed to change while you smiled
And told me that I could use my life to do

Whatever made me happy

I can’t forgive the way you don’t hear a word I say,

Even when I’m writing my own eulogies over dinner

I can’t forgive the way you minimize my stresses,

Ignoring the suicide,

The depression,

The injuries,

Complaining about your new car’s heated seats

I can’t forgive you for fucking me up,

Turning a happy home into a straight jacket and a padded cell

And a happy kid into a suicidal one

I can’t forgive you for the things you did…

But if I ever want to know my mother…I’ll have to try

Someday (Lyrics)

V1:

May-be there’s more to live for,

Maybe I don’t care to try

The future is invisible,

I don’t have wings to fly

V2:

Sucking on his cancer stick,

The man says life is fair

But I wake tired every day,

‘nd it’s more than I can bear

Chorus:

Someday I’ll be big and strong,

Someday I’ll rule the world

But if I can’t make it there

I’m dumb as sails unfurled

V3:

Some say life’s one big test,

All arranged by God

But what I dunno just ain’t real

And without it, I’m a fraud

I'm...

I’m a poem unheard:

Fire, under the surface

Thorns, under the skin

Life’s barrier is thin

I’m graffiti, painted over:

Two-dimensional woman,

Straight face and sad eyes

The world’s muted my cries

I’m a drowned rat:

Swept away by the tide

For reaching too far

Still looking for a star

I’m a disfiguring scar:

Covering the person underneath

Stretched across a pretty face

From all eyes, I hide her grace

I’m a fallen angel,

Carrying a filth within

Wings torn out of the sky,

Unceasing need to fly

Life

I wake up wanting to sleep,

But once up, I never want to sleep again.

I’m eating maybe half the time

I don’t leave my room long enough to do much

Besides find food and piss

I can’t get the numbing fog out of my head,

But it’s what keeps me alive, so maybe I don’t want to

I can’t focus on much of anything

Even my favorite things can’t haul me back

Smiling doesn’t quite hurt, but I strain all day,

I know it will, maybe soon

Getting dressed is like putting on a crown of thorns

I don’t want to get off of the floor

I miss feeling like I’m ready for my life to happen

I’ve never felt so far from “the best friends in the world”

And the rest of the world too

I’m so close to death

That it makes the mundane seem surreal,

Schoolwork makes me want to laugh

I don’t even try to talk

I’ve had the same conversations before

It gets me in trouble, anyway

I can’t seem to enjoy myself doing anything

Everything stresses me out,

Everything else isn’t worth my attention

I hope I sleep all day

Since the day’s a waste of time

And, of course, there’s the rage

Towards the world,

And everyone in it

Towards my parents,

For being deaf in both ears

And unaware of the fact

Towards my friends,

For isolating me

And for the fucking drug use

(Come on, guys!)

I can’t believe that this is my life

…I was born for this?

It’s making me miserable,

I’m better off dead

I’m tired of this shit

December 17th 2013 (Just Another Day)

Jealous, wistful, lonely

The empty promise of a

Cigarette. Trust, or lack of it,

Broken, whining, bitching

What keeps my mouth moving,

When I know I am defeated?

Sobbing, wracking, choking

I’ve been damaged in every way,

A tin can, with irreparable dents

Once-strong, once-proud, once-confident

I am cast away from my old life

The noose calls me again

Silence, temptation, a long drop

“Don’t hurt yourself!

Promise me you won’t.”

Shuddering, shaking, ghastly

Bruised inside. Broken yet again

By the people who raised me

Shouting, accusing, denying

He’s killing the person I am:

“I’ve done nothing wrong!”

Self-hatred, happiness lost, depression

I’m a pathetic, twisted girl:

Just a sad, warped reflection

Rejected, disproved, ignored

I’ve given up, disinterested in life

It’s always me against the world